Need to Have a Chat with Myself
by OneHorseShay
Summary: Set immediately after 'Ghosts of Skibbereen'. Ava has trouble sleeping after the Famine performance and gets an unexpected visit from herself. Ava-centered.


Need to Have a Chat with Myself  
By OneHorseShay  
Disclaimer: Don't Own, Don't Sue. For God sakes, don't sue.  
Rating: T (Language)  
Summary: Set immediately after 'Ghosts of Skibbereen'. Ava has trouble sleeping after the Famine performance and gets an unexpected visit from herself. Ava-centered.\

* * *

Flash's Apartment  
New York, NY

Flash was lying on his back, already a sleep and snoring considerably after the couple arrived back to his apartment after the Famine show.

However, on the other side of the bed, Ava was resting on her right side, fighting to get to sleep. They had left the performance pretty happy from watching the show and her encounters with Johnny and Gigi. She even had a bit of a cocky smirk on her face when they caught Davvy making out with Johnny's twenty-something date, perhaps sticking it to the father and daughter, but now she was feeling a nagging feeling in her chest that prevented her from going to sleep.

She was tempted to take some sleeping pills, but she already had some wine and she wasn't stupid enough to mix the two, so she just kept her eyes closed and tried to relax her body. She finally closed her eyes and tried to let the sleep overtake her.

* * *

Ava blinked several times as she felt the warmth on her face and the almost blinding light behind her eyelids. She raised a hand to shield her eyes, helping them adjust to her surroundings. She dropped her hand and glanced around, realizing she was in one of the many child parks in the city. There were a few passersby lazily strolling down the pathway, going about their daily business on the relatively nice spring day.

She was perplexed to say the least as she was just in Flash's bed moments ago. She instinctively started casually strolling down the sidewalk, taking in her surroundings and trying to figure out her exact location

She turned to look at the kids playing on the playground playset, not having a care in the world except having fun. They were no older than five or six year olds, but she noticed something odd and caused her to squint because the children seemed out of focus. She raised her hands and shielded her eyes from the overhead sun believing it was the cause of what she believed was glare of the surrounding surfaces of the playground equipment. There was no change in the fuzziness of the children, but one female child stood out crystal clear. She had short brown hair to her shoulders, blue eyes and pale skin and wore a little cute blue and white sundress that made her look adorable.

Ava dropped her hand and eyes went wide as she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt the identity of the little girl.

"She's a doll isn't she," Ava heard her own voice call out from behind her.

Ava spun around, her blonde locks wiping around off her left shoulder to see the source of the voice. Her eyes went wide, almost ready to pop out of their sockets at seeing herself relaxing on the park bench, legs crossed, wearing a sun hat to help shield her eyes and holding a book in her hand. She appeared about fifteen years younger than her, give or take a few years, but she recognized herself.

The younger version of the blonde hopeful musician didn't look up at her, but instead kept her eyes on the little girl climbing the steps up to the slide. She finished her remark with a loving and proud tone, "My little girl… just having the time of her life…"

Ava swallowed down the bit of fear that had bubbled up from her stomach then quietly asked over the sound of children playing in the background and the birds chirping in the trees, "Who are you?"

The young woman sitting on the park bench raised her chin to meet the standing woman's eyes.

Ava almost flinched at seeing the physically identical eyes, but seeing something dark… cold in them.

"Oh, my name's Ava Rock… I sometimes go by 'Queen Mother Ava' and you're…" She glanced downward then back up to meet Ava's eyes again and finished with sour, almost disgusted tone, "…'Ava X'. Is that one word or two?"

Ava cautiously approached her doppelganger and had a seat next to her on the bench. She studied her for a few seconds, making sure she was seeing what she was seeing. She blew out a breath and initially tripped over herself in asking, "Who… who are you and where am I?"

"I just told you and I thought the answer to the other question was obvious. I'm you…" She rolled her eyes up and answered in a sarcastic manner, "…the smarter, prettier Queen Mother Ava and this… is New York City…" She nodded her head to the side and smirked as she finished, "…in nineteen ninety-nine…" She pointed past Ava towards the skyline. "See, towers are still there."

Ava looked over her right shoulder and spotted the World Trade Center still standing tall in the far distance, the sunlight glistening off the windows of the two towers. Her eyes nearly popped out of her eyes a second time at seeing the buildings long gone in her time. She snapped her head around to face the younger blonde and swallowing as her mouth suddenly became dry. She watched for a moment, studying her for a few seconds then stated in a fearful voice, "This isn't real… I have to be dreaming."

The younger woman closed her book and turned her head again, clearly annoyed at being interrupted. She answered in a curt tone, "It depends on how you define 'real'. Is a dream 'real' even if it never comes into fruition?" She turned her gaze away from the older woman and nodded her head towards the playground and Gigi running back around towards the end of the slide, waiting her turn for some of the other children to slide down the yellow.

The annoyed expression was replaced with a soft smile, clearly finding content in watching the child continue to play without any care. "She was my dream… my chance at a family and be famous… I would have settled for the family…" Her smile grew bigger, beaming with pride. "…but I got my second chance… she was going to be mine and Johnny's chance at fame and family…" She turned her head to meet Ava's eyes, the coldness and judgment returning to them. "But you had to piss that way and for what? A few acres in New Jersey and perhaps B-list stardom with Flash?"

Ava squared her jaw, figuratively slapped and her combative instincts kicking in. She sharply retorted, "Hey, I did have a dream to be the star… to get the recognition and I'm getting that chance now. I'm not pissing away anything."

The younger woman leaned forward, resting her forearm on her knee and whispered in a low tone to make sure that only Ava heard her, "Ah yes, as AvaX… a cabaret star… one that Gigi was thrilled to help you with every step of the way. She cheered you on, encouraged you, helped you with songs and arrangements… putting her own ambition on hold for you for how many weeks? And what did you do in return? Sleep with her boyfriend behind her back… I guess that was a bigger 'fuck you' to Gigi then the one she told you tonight… still…" She sarcastically laughed, "Sounds to me you got the raw end to that deal… throwing away a daughter's love…"

Ava leaned back, clenching her jaw as a bit of defensive anger came boiling up. She hissed out through her clenched teeth, "I'm not her mother and I have to stop pretending that I am… She has a mother. A mother that loves her ver—"

The mother straightened up, giving her a harsh glare then answered with a dismissive laugh, "Cat thinks Gigi was the biggest mistake of her life, keeping her from the same so-called dream you're having with Flash right now." She cocked her head to the side and asked, "Did you forget your little conversation with her in the kitchen? She didn't want her to make the same mistake she did… the mistake being having Gigi. She can tattoo her name as many times as she wants, but that doesn't change that fact: she got saddled with a kid that prevented her from being a star. You're just doing the same thing she did: treating her as something disposable to reach that brass ring… eyes on the prize and to Hell with anyone else."

The younger woman shook her head and added, "Wow… that sounds a lot like Johnny."

Ava shook her head, arguing with a less than thrilled voice, "I'm not treating Gigi that way. There were things unresolved with Flash… things that turned out to be real for us after she rejected him. I'm not stopping Gigi from making it just because I have a shot with Flash for recognition." She snorted out a breath, "If anyone is stopping her, it's her. She took a chainsaw to Flash's guitars he would use to perform just to send me a message… she can't have Flash, no one can."

The younger blonde was having nothing of it and with a shake of her head answered, "You took one to her heart when you betrayed her… that was the message she was sending to you. Her heart was just in as many pieces as those guitars from Flash betraying her and with you of all people… the one she loved as her real mom… and you were just too damn callous about it. Your little girl's heart was breaking because of you and you couldn't care less… Hell, you were smirking when you caught Davvy kissing Johnny's date. Did you enjoy the salt in the wound for her? Huh? Lose Flash, lose you… lose Davvy… when was the moment that you hated her?"

Ava pursed her lips and glanced down at her lap, letting the younger version of her words sink in. She uttered almost breathlessly, "I don't hate Gigi."

The younger woman for the first time gave her something close to a sympathetic gaze, but her words were far from comforting, "No, it's worst than hate. It's indifference."

Ava's stomach started churning as if she was going to be sick after the verbal slap upside of the head from the younger appearing version of herself about all the feelings she had to disregard in regards to Gigi, her own and the girl that had came to look at her as a mother more so than her own.

She took several calming breaths, hoping to calm her nerves and stood up.

The mother, surrogate or stepmother, looked back at Gigi playing tag with another little girl and remarked, "Amazing how things change so quickly… you care nothing for her feelings while I care about no one's feelings but hers… I enjoyed stomping that stupid midget guitar for her." She turned her head and glanced back to Ava and asked, "What changed that? Did Gigi shoving that mic into your hand to sing in front of everyone do it? Imagining your name in lights do that? Or was it something as stupid as Flash blow drying your hair?"

Ava looked down and asked with a fearful tone, "Who are you? Really?"

The younger woman stood up and lazily shrugged a shoulder and answered as if she was bothered by having to answer the question, "Maybe I'm a devil to torment you for your dumbass choice." She brightened up in an instant. "Maybe I'm an Angel of the Lord trying to get you back on the right path with Gigi? Maybe I'm your conscious trying to do that same thing because you can't just lie to yourself and be at peace with it or…" The young woman stood up and directed a cold glare, smirking a bit as she finished, "…I'm Queen Mother Ava wanting to protect her Queen Gigi the First from some damn usurper that wants to tear her kingdom down."

She took as step forward, making sure the older Ava couldn't avert her eyes as she spoke her next words, "You broke my little girl's heart and violated her trust… you're not going to sabotage her dream and I'm not going to let you be happy with whatever success you have. I'm going to gnaw at you. I'm going to make you second guess yourself and everyone around you… I'm going to make you miserable and you're not going to be able to drown me out with sex or drugs or rock and roll for what you did to her."

Ava swallowed down a little more fear that was bubbling up from her stomach again. She saw pure, unadulterated hatred in the woman's eyes and if she really was talking to herself then she was seeing her own self-loathing. It was a harder punch to the gut than any fist could land.

"…the only way you're going to get rid of me is to kill yourself… or go to Gigi and tell her how sorry you are and that you'll do everything you can to make sure she's healed whether you're ever forgiven or not… because she's more important than we are…"

The hopeful singer stared at the young woman, studying her, evaluating her… trying to not be absolutely terrified of her as she realized who she was seeing: her own maternal instinct given form that wouldn't hesitate to charge a wild animal or superhumanly lift a car to free a trapped child and was looking directly at her as if she was a threat.

Gigi's young voice called out from the playground, "Mommy?!"

The younger Ava put on a smile in a moment and turned and knelt to the child racing towards her. She picked her up, allowing her to rest her on her left forearm while her other arm protectively wrapped around her. She lazily bounced her in her arms and smiled to her.

The child looked to the older Ava and greeted her with a giggle, "Hello?"

The older blonde paused, just staring at the innocent child and feeling the material instinct that had been buried the last few weeks during her affair with Flash. She felt a wave of sickness pass in her stomach.

Gigi pointed to Ava and asked, "Who's that?"

The happy mother answered with a sweet tone, brushing some of the hair off her cheek and behind her left ear, "Oh, she no one important… just a mean, selfish old lady that no one loves…"

The brown haired little girl mumbled, "Oh, I'm sorry. That's sad."

The woman that had declared herself queen gave the child a reassuring smile and answered, "It is sweetheart, but… it's all her fault. She threw away her chance at happiness. You can't let that worry you."

Gigi nodded her head and answered, "Okay mommy."

The younger incarnation of Ava kissed Gigi on the forehead. "Let's go see your daddy. See what new songs he has written."

"Okay," she answered with an innocent smile.

The young mother barely gave Ava another glance as she picked up her bag onto her right shoulder then walked past her. As she was walking away, the child turned her head to look over the blonde's shoulder and met Ava's eyes.

Ava flinched at seeing the hurt in the young child's eyes, the hurt she knew she had caused her, causing her to bolted upright in bed, her skin covered with a fine cold sweat. She blinked and looked around, her eyes having already adjusted to the surrounding darkness, realizing that she had woken up. She glanced to her left and saw Flash peacefully sleeping, not noticing her violent return to the waking world.

She wiped off her brow then swung her legs out from the sheet. She quietly trotted to the bathroom and stood in front of the skin. She turned on the faucet then cupped her hands under the running water and splashed her face with water a few times. Once she was done, reached for a towel to wipe her face off. She looked back up into the mirror and muttered, "It was just a dream…" She stared at her reflection for a few more second and swore she saw an odd look in her eyes, one of hatred and another one of guilt.

She heard a whisper in her own head, _"…yeah, just a dream…"_

The blonde stood up straight and licked her lips, giving her a few seconds to recall and process what happened in the vivid dream. All her younger self's words turned into raw emotions, causing her stomach to seize up. She turned in an instant and lifted the toilet seat lid up; emptying what she hadn't finished digesting from dinner into the toilet. She heaved a few more times, then wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. She sat on her folded legs and took several deep breaths.

Ava pulled herself onto her feet several moments later then went to the sink, grabbing a glass and filing it with water to rinse her mouth out. She rinsed and spit several times then headed back to the bedroom, stopping by the nightstand to pick up her phone then quietly exited the room. She took a seat on the living room couch and dialed a number. She placed the cell phone to her ear and waited several seconds for the other end to pick up.

She finally heard a groggily reply, _"What the Hell… do you want Ava?"_

"I want… I want to say I'm sorry… and a million other things… how I forgot my real dream and replaced it with some shitty one that took your boyfriend and that didn't include you as my daughter…"

The other end of the line went silent, but it hadn't been disconnected. Several more seconds passed before Gigi asked, _"And what are they?"  
_

* * *

Author's note: I hope you enjoyed this quick little piece and sorry if that's a little cliffhangery. Who was Ava talking to? I'll let you the readers decide on which of those four things she could have been speaking with and what happened during the conversation on the phone. I'm hoping they'll be some kind of reconciliation before the end of the season. Take care, OneHorseShay


End file.
